MVC Students

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
One of the hardest lessons in life is learning how to deal with regret. And one of the most valuable lessons is learning how to avoid it altogether. In every choice our students make, they have the power to walk down two roads: I wish I had or I’m glad I did. And when they understand that God will be with them in the midst of every decision they make, every moment of pressure they feel and even those times when they don’t make the best decision and have to deal with the sting of regret, they can walk through life with courage and discover who God has created them to be.

2. Be a Student of Your Student
The teenage brain can often feel like a complete mystery. But some exciting research is pinpointing the growth and development of the adolescent brain and helping us get a better understanding of why teenagers can seem at once so mature and capable and conversely so quick to make really poor decisions.

A recent article in Harvard Magazine entitled “A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Teen Brain” by Debra Bradley Ruder (September-October 2008) sheds some light on the development of the adolescent brain:

“Human and animal studies, Jensen and Urion note, have shown that the brain grows and changes continually in young people—and that it is only about 80 percent developed in adolescents. The largest part, the cortex, is divided into lobes that mature from back to front. The last section to connect is the frontal lobe, responsible for cognitive processes such as reasoning, planning, and judgment. Normally this mental merger is not completed until somewhere between ages 25 and 30—much later than these two neurologists were taught in medical school … For his part, Urion believes programs aimed at preventing risky adolescent behaviors would be more effective if they offered practical strategies for making in-the-moment decisions, rather than merely lecturing teens about the behaviors themselves. (‘I have yet to meet a pregnant teenager who didn’t know biologically how this transpired,’ he says.)” (To read the full article, go to http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html.)

While the science behind how the adolescent brain works is groundbreaking, the big takeaway is how we can help our students navigate good decision-making strategies. This starts on the front end. Take the time to talk to your students—to get inside their heads and lives—and understand the pressures, temptations and struggles people their age are dealing with. And then, help them talk and think through some good strategies for dealing with those pressures and temptations.

(Note: Your student may be reluctant to talk about their personal struggles, but more willing to talk about the struggles of those in their peer group or age). Doing this doesn’t mean there won’t still be some major mess-ups or an occasional need to push the reset button, but this is a great place to start.
And when those moments do happen, making us scratch our heads—wondering how they could’ve made such a poor decision, gotten involved in such a bad crowd or simply been so naïve—our reaction matters. In that moment, we have a very important decision to make. And it’s one that can help or hurt our relationship with our student.
While flying off the handle may feel like the natural and appropriate response, when you stop, listen and keep your emotions under control, you create an opportunity for your student to open up to you, not only in the moment, but in the future as well. More than that, your student is watching your body language, and taking note of the tone of your voice, gauging the message you are sending non-verbally as well as verbally. Something as simple as crossing your arms and clenching your jaw as they unload can communicate a message you may not be intending. Your reaction trains them, whether you realize it or not, how to come to you—or not come to you—the next time they mess up. You have the opportunity to create a safe space, giving the relationship breathing room and creating an opportunity for more than a lecture, but for real growth.

3. Action Point/Tip
So, how can you work at helping your student navigate the regret they might feel after they’ve made a poor choice or a bad decision?

First, create a tentative plan on how to react when your student comes to you with some less than favorable news. What do you want to be sure to communicate? What do you want to be sure not to communicate? If you’re married, talk to your spouse and make sure that you are both on the same page about how you will react.

And remember, you don’t only communicate through your words. What other ways can you communicate care and understanding—your tone of voice, your body language, your emotions? At this stage in the game, parenting is less about control and authority and more about coaching and influence. How can your reaction to your teenager in a tense moment be more coaching-oriented than control-oriented?

More than anything, what students need to know and hear—though they may never vocalize it themselves—is that they are loved. No matter what. Chances are, whatever your student has done that they feel regret over, they also feel guilt over, and are fearful of rejection from you because of their actions. Creating a plan on how to communicate your love and acceptance to your student regardless of what they do or don’t do will ultimately set you up for success when they demonstrate some less than desirable behavior.

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1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
The way we use the word miracle can be pretty broad. And when our students talk about miracles, it can range from “Getting through that exam was a miracle” to “I need a miracle for my mom to be cured of her cancer.” But miracles are about more than just the supernatural occurrence, whether that’s making the grade or witnessing an unexplainable healing. A miracle reveals God’s activity, and the greatest miracle—Jesus’ resurrection—is an invitation to participate in God’s activity by putting the past behind us and choosing to become a new creation, every day.

2. Be a Student of Your Student
Miracles aren’t something we think about in our everyday lives. And for some of us parents, our biggest miracle may be that we got through the day without a massive fight with our son or daughter, or simply that our teenager chose to talk to us at all. But sometimes—every now and then—we truly need something that feels miraculous—maybe even impossible. And our students sometimes need that too.

Often the things our kids want can seem trite, unimportant and petty to us. They want to find the perfect dress for the upcoming school dance and nothing fits. They want to make the football team. They want their Spanish teacher to stop giving homework over the weekends. To them these moments can feel like the end of the world, even though we know they aren’t really all that important in the greater scheme of things. But sometimes our students really do need a miracle. Because their best friend was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumor. Because your family is struggling through a recent divorce. Because they are being bullied at school and can’t seem to find a way out. And in those times, they might be looking at you and asking, “Why is this happening? Where is the miracle I need right now?”

When you’re staring down your teenage son or daughter and the loaded and heavy question of why starts to rise up, there is a powerful statement that we want to give you permission to use: “I don’t know.”

Saying I don’t know may feel like a cop-out. It might feel like you aren’t giving your student everything they want in that moment. And it’s true, you aren’t. Because you can’t provide the cure for a rare form of cancer or fix overnight the pain from a broken family. But you can be present and real with your student in the midst of tragedy and uncertainty. And most often, this is what they need the most. It’s what they are looking for and what they are craving. When you make yourself vulnerable, when you admit that you don’t have it all figured out either, you allow your student a chance to lean in to your relationship. You invite them into an opportunity to walk through the difficulty together, on the same page and with equal footing, standing in the “I don’t know” moment together.

3. Action Point
Think through the following questions and share your answers with your student:

• Has God ever answered something specific that you’ve prayed about?
• Talk about a time when God came through for you?
• Talk about a time when you prayed for God to come through for you and it didn’t happen? How did that feel and what did you do?
• Take this opportunity to pray with your student about somewhere they feel like they need God to intervene in their lives.

Parent Panel Questions

The last few weeks we have invited your students to submit questions for our Parent Panel.  Tomorrow night a team of three parents (from different generations) will answer some of these questions in front of our students.  Take a minute to look over these questions and see what our students are asking.  You can use these questions as a resource during meals, drives, or just hanging out together.

* What was your favorite sport and how much did you practice?
* Did you do as you were told?
* How did you know it was time to get married?
* When have you ever felt most broken?
* Did you always have good grades?
* Why did you decide to have kids?
* How many guys/girls did you date?
* What motivated you to get married?
* Is whatever Mike Wilde says about you true?
* What were you like as a child?  What did you usually do?
* When did you start believing in God?
* Have you ever run away?
* What is the hardest part of being a parent?
* Were you good at math?
* How does it feel to see this generation grow compared to when you were a teenager?

Our new series deals with authority and how we respond to those in authority over us.  Read this post to see what we will be talking about and how you can interact with your student.

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
We all deal with authority. Whether it’s our students dealing with parents, teachers and coaches or us as adults in our work relationships, marriages and finances—authority is everywhere. As teenagers, most of us believe that if we can just grow up and get out—out of high school and out of our parent’s house—we will be free from authority. But the truth is, authority is always an issue. No matter how grown up we are we never out grow authority. When we look at what the Bible has to say about it, we realize that authority isn’t a bad thing. If we can learn how to respond to authority now—both the good and the bad—we will reap the benefits for the rest of our lives.

2. Be a Student of Your Student
Can you remember the worst argument you ever had with your parents? Not just some little tiff over a bad attitude or a snarky comeback, but the kind of moment where you felt like your rights as an individual were on the line; that felt like a personal declaration of independence?

I remember one such occasion. I desperately wanted to go with a group of friends to see a rock concert. I was a junior in high school. I could drive. I had a part-time job. I had no major infractions on my teenage record. For all intents and purposes, I believed I was an adult. Except that I was only 17 and my parents still had the final say on how I spent my time once the clock ticked past 8 pm, especially on a weeknight. I was asking them if I could go with a group of friends—predominantly guys—to downtown Los Angeles to see a rock band play a huge concert. Obviously, I was stepping way outside my bounds. But when my mom told me no—when she explained that it would be absolutely unwise of her to let me go—I still had a meltdown that resembled a three-year-old temper tantrum. I was absolutely mortified. I went back and forth every way I could with my mom. Negotiation became the name of the game. What if I drive myself with another girlfriend and promise to be home by midnight? What if I only go for the first half of the concert? What if I actually let YOU drive me down? No matter how hard I tried, the answer was still “no.”

Needless to say, I was not very happy with my mom for quite awhile. But, ultimately, I complied. And two days after the concert, I was glad I did. When the reports came in from friends about what was going on both before and after the show, I knew that I wasn’t ready to handle what would’ve been right in front of me that night. But something more than my safety was gained in the moment my mom said no and I pushed back. There was dialogue. I was able to present my case and actually talk with my mom, as an almost-adult, about why I wanted to go. And here’s the thing: As I made my case to my mom, with tears in my eyes, about why I simply HAD to go, I felt my own case unraveling. As my mom and I went back and forth about who was going to be there, what was happening before and after the show and how late I would really be out, I started to get the sense that I was making a pretty poor case. Suddenly, even though my mom was the true authority and would have the final say, something inside of me said that this really wasn’t a good idea after all. Ultimately, the ability to push back allowed me to figure out on my own what my mom was trying to tell me all along.

This wrestling, this pushing back, may have been frustrating for my mom in the moment, but in the long run, it was a really good thing! Not that disobedience is okay. It’s not and that is a separate issue. But the ability to talk something out, to push back, to wrestle and negotiate creates something that is way more valuable than a simple “Yes, Sir” or “Yes, Ma’am”; it creates movement towards independence, autonomy and a transfer of authority from you, as the parent, to your student, themself.

An article published in Psychology Today in May of 2011 speaks to this idea of transferring an adolescent’s authority from their parent to themselves—something all of us need to be able to do to become healthy, whole adults. Here is an excerpt from the article: (You can read the full article at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201105/adolescence-and-parental-authority.)

Come adolescence, parents often won’t get exactly what they want, exactly how they want it done, exactly when they want it done, and that’s okay. The older the adolescent grows the more she pushes back against parental authority. And this opposition is functional.

After all, if the young person ended up adolescence in the early to mid twenties content to live life entirely on parental terms, then independence would never be taken. That’s the downside of excessive parental authority …

Although adolescents still need the preparation and protection of parental authority, they also need more experience of becoming their own authority if they are ever to become functionally independent. Turning over increased amounts of responsibility to the teenager is how this education in becoming one’s own authority is done.

That’s right. The final battle for independence at the end of adolescence is not against parental authority, but against one’s own …

And yet, at last relieved of their role as authority and of all the responsibility that went with it, parents have actually won in their own way. They have finally worked themselves out of a job. Now for good and ill, their son or daughter is finally in charge.

So the next time you ask your son or daughter to do something—or not to—and they ask “why?” take a moment, breath and be thankful, because their willingness to ask that question is a good step in the direction of adulthood. And after they have asked the question and you have answered it, kindly remind them that you, as the parent, still expect them to listen and, ultimately, honor your authority through obeying.

3. Action Point

Choose your battle.

Every student/parent relationship has its hot button topics. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a certain friendship, an issue with a grade or a teacher … there are always issues that students and parents struggle to see eye-to-eye on. What are those particular struggles between you and your student? Where does your student feel like he or she wants to have more say? Where are the areas that you feel like your student needs to be under your authority and more compliant?

Choose a time to go out with your student—whether to coffee, dinner, a walk, a drive—somewhere you can talk—preferably in a different place than where your most heated arguments take place—and work through, in a civil way, one of these hot-button issues.

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