We spent today getting ready after a great dinner and sleeping another welcoming home last night. We are being generously hosted by Grace Christian Church in Tinton Falls, NJ and had the pleasure of worshipping our Lord with them this morning. It was a wonderful time with other believers and a challenging message from Pastor Vince. They have been incredibly generous and have made us feel right at home.
After the service we spent time together with Leneita and Craig from Aslan Youth Ministries going over details of the week, expectations, how to handle situations and learning the history of the ministry. It is truly an honor to serve with a ministry that values students so highly and is willing to do whatever it takes to show them God’s love.
Day camp begins tomorrow morning at 10:00 AM. We are starting off with some fun songs and Megan will be sharing the story of Zacchaeus for the devotional to kick off camp. After that we have a full day of activity and craziness planned.
Please pray for Megan as she shares, for the team to be rested and energized, for the students and their response to God’s love, and for all of us as we seek to do His will in everything we do.
Throughout the trip our students will have opportunities to share what they are learning on the blog. It is interesting to watch the dynamics of the group when you begin with an extended period of travel. Here are the girls first observations.
We have learned a lot about each other. During this fun, yet long trip we have learned that Lindsey talks in her sleep, Will sounds like a bulldog, Mason breathes hard in his sleep, Megan can come up with the best nicknames (for anyone) Maddie is very gullible and is a loud whisperer, Sophie has had 57 bracelets that she has never taken off in two years and Abbie…. She is just the life of the party. Ps Abbie’s name is ahboob, Moses is a very loud basketball player, Myka is very patient when teenager girls wanna keep the light on at 11:24 PM, and Jared hates the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
In the hectic final hours of preparation for the trip I was not able to fix the comments for the blog. I’m not sure what’s wrong, however we would still like to hear your prayers and encouragement for the team.
As you read the blog or feel led please email jared (at) mvcglenwood (dot) org and we will share everything we get with the team each evening.
We have gathered and trained together for many months now. Tomorrow we will leave MVC and head to Denver where we will stay overnight then fly out early on Saturday morning.
Throughout the trip students will be sharing their experiences and thoughts on the blog so make sure you check back regularly. Personally, I have enjoyed getting to know each of them better and see the gifts God has given them. We have read, prayed, discussed, and dreamt about this time and now it is here. I know God has us going to New Jersey for a reason and am excited to see what He does through us as we serve him by loving others.
This blog is a way for us to communicate with our friends, family, and those who are supporting in prayer. The great thing about blogs is they are a two way street. When we leave a post you are free to comment and leave your thoughts. I encourage you to leave thoughts, prayers, and encouragement for the team which we will communicate to them each evening in our family time together. And you can start right now! When you finish reading this post a prayer you have for a team member or the team a whole. Then, after dinner tomorrow night we will share those prayers with them.
Thank you for supporting us and we look forward to sharing our experiences with you throughout the journey.
June 4, 2013 / jaredcoe / Comments Off on What You See is What You Get: Parent Cue
1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
Jesus seemed to make it pretty simple when it comes to what following Him would be all about: love God and love others as you love yourself. But this simple command gets a lot more complicated when we don’t see God, ourselves and others as we should. When we don’t see rightly, we don’t live rightly. So, how do we fix our broken view? How do we start living in a way that reflects Jesus’ intensions for our lives, and see the world the way we should? What we see is what we get. So, how do we see the right way?
2. Be a Student of Your Student
No matter how old we get, the need for acceptance never goes away. Consciously or not, we are all drawn to the places and people where we feel absolutely and unconditionally welcomed, approved and believed in. But there may be no other time in life where the pull to feel this acceptance is as strong as the teenage years.
One motivational youth speaker puts it this way, “Acceptance is never more important than during the teen and preteen years – when they are clamoring, ever so awkwardly, toward adulthood and on their way to the summit of self-actualization (their true potential)” (http://www.pinkshoehero.org/2012/11/12/unconditional-acceptance/).
This may not be new information, but as parents to teenagers, it is critical information. As our students approach ages where the need for acceptance is felt more acutely than ever before, the stakes are higher than ever. Because if we aren’t offering the acceptance our teenagers are desperate for, they won’t just live without it—they will look elsewhere for it.
Which is why it is so important that our kids feel the acceptance they need from us primarily. But before addressing what acceptance may look like, let’s talk about what it is not. Acceptance of our students doesn’t have to mean approval of unwise choices. In the article “The Importance of Unconditional Self Acceptance” from the parenting website The Kids Are Alright, the point is made this way: “Accepting a teenager unconditionally doesn’t mean you have to accept their reasoning, the premise of what they’re saying, their poor behavior or bad attitude, their disrespect, their playing the victim card, or their oft-times poor sense of judgment … But the simple act of showing them that you accept them for who they are, as a person – their weaknesses, strengths and all – is the first step to helping them build their own self-acceptance” (http://www.thekidsareallright.com.au/2013/parenting/self-esteem-unconditional-self-acceptance/).
In addition, acceptance, from our end as parents, should not be a reaction. We shouldn’t be taking our cues from our teenagers and gauging how to respond to them based off of how they are treating us. In fact, the opposite is true. Though this is a stage of life where they may be naturally pulling away and sending every nonverbal (or verbal) message of how they don’t want us around, this is the time when our communicated acceptance is the most crucial. In offering this, even when your student is communicating something different, you are creating the space for change in their behavior to happen. And whether their behavior changes or not, creating a place where they feel accepted is always a good idea.
So, how do we begin showing unconditional acceptance to our teenagers in actual, tangible ways? How do we put our “I love you” in a language they can really understand?
3. Action Point
Social scientists John DeFrain and Nick Stinnett asked 1,500 kids, “What do you think makes a family happy?” What was their most frequent answer? Doing things together.
Here is a list of seven creative ways parents can demonstrate their love and acceptance to their children.
1. Plan to hang out with your student once a month—and let them choose the activity.
2. Kidnap them unexpectedly for a walk or a meal.
3. Write something encouraging on a Post-it-note and stick it on their bedroom door.
4. Spend an hour listening to their favorite music or watching their favorite TV show with them.
5. Find something about your child’s appearance to compliment.
6. Do one of their chores for them.
7. Sit down with your child and start asking questions … and then listen to them.
Pick one—or all seven—and be intentional this week about showing your student that you love and accept them, just the way they are.
1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your students say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?
2. Be a Student of Your Student
I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.
Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.
Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”
What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?
To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)
As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:
“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…
So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!
3. Action Point
The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.
But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?
First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.
Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.
And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.
Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.
Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.
We will begin our training on Sunday, April 28th. Each of you will receive a copy of By This Name which we will use for our training. On Sunday, we will dive right in and read the first chapter. You will also get a reading schedule so you know what to expect.
I am really excited to get started on this journey with you. Keep praying for God to show himself to you through the training and equip you for the experience.
When I was in school I was afraid of many things. I was afraid of what people thought of me. I was afraid of how people would respond if I acted a certain way or did a certain thing. I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t succeed. And mostly, I was afraid of talking to girls that I thought were cute. I would lock up, start sweating, and my English would resemble something like Dwarvish or Vulcan (yes, I just referenced two of the most geeky things ever!). Fear gripped me and for a long time got in the way of me being able to be friends with some really great people.
Dealing with success is simple. When we “succeed” we feel good about what we have accomplished and feel like we are worthwhile. But the truth is, we won’t always succeed. All of us will fail.
What is something you have failed at recently? It doesn’t have to be major but take a minute and talk about something you’ve experienced failure with.
The thing is, we want to succeed. No one likes to fail and sometimes we do everything we can to avoid it. When I was in high school I didn’t try out for the basketball team because I was afraid I would get cut. So I didn’t even try out. In fact, I even bailed on a friend who had asked me for a ride home. I was that scared! Have you ever avoided something you wanted to do because you were afraid you wouldn’t succeed? How about not doing something because you were afraid you would disappoint someone? I was so fearful I ran away.
Running away is a terrible strategy. Running away doesn’t do you any good, the fear is still there. If you run away from trying out for the team you will miss out on enjoying the sport as well as making new friends and creating new memories. If you run away from learning that instrument you will not know what it feels like to create music yourself. If you run away from singing out loud you miss the opportunity to share the voice God gave you with others. If you run away from running for student government you miss the opportunity to lead and be part of a team that serves your class.
You see, if you run away or let fear stop you, you risk never succeeding. In order to succeed you have to take a risk.
I saw a commercial years ago with Michael Jordan (the best basketball player ever) that really illustrates what I’m trying to say. Check it out.
If we are going to be who God really wants us to be we need to learn what failure is and what it is not.
In the Bible, the book of Numbers has a great story about fear and failure. It takes place after the Israelites have escaped Egypt and have wandered around the desert. They are trying to establish who they are and God has promised to give them this land. So they send twelve men to spy out the land and see how it looks. When they get back to the people they give this report:
“We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large…we can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are” (Numbers 13:27-31 NIV).
Uh-Oh! There are big people! But didn’t God promise to give them the land? He sure did. As soon as they saw the people who lived there they freaked out. And it gets worse. After they said that they told this to all the people:
“The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them” (Numbers 13:32-33 NIV).
Now everyone is scared! The whole nation forgets what God wants them to do and wets their pants…all at the same time. Except for two of the spies. Joshua and Caleb try to calm the people down and encourage them. Caleb ignores the other spies and tells them, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it!” (Number 13:30 NIV). Then Joshua tries to remind them what they have been told:
The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them” (Numbers 14:7-9 NIV).
Later on the whole nation says, “I wish I had” because they wandered around the desert for 40 years. The only ones who survived long enough to actually go into the land were Joshua and Caleb and they both got to say, “I’m glad I did.”
Fear blocks what God wants. Fear gets in the way and keeps us from doing great things. Fear tells us not to take risks because we might not succeed. God wants you to know that He is with you and He will give you the courage to do whatever it is that He has called you to. So sing loud, run fast, try out for that team, be honest with your parents, live courageously! You don’t have to be afraid of failing because God is with you! You won’t always “succeed” in everything you do, but in the process you will discover the life God wants you to have.
Here are some questions for you to consider:
What are some areas of your life where failure is possible? Do you embrace or shy away from those areas?
What is the difference between courage and fear?
Joshua and Caleb saw the same thing as the other spies. Why was there response different?
Name one area where you need God to give you more courage.
1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
One of the hardest lessons in life is learning how to deal with regret. And one of the most valuable lessons is learning how to avoid it altogether. In every choice our students make, they have the power to walk down two roads: I wish I had or I’m glad I did. And when they understand that God will be with them in the midst of every decision they make, every moment of pressure they feel and even those times when they don’t make the best decision and have to deal with the sting of regret, they can walk through life with courage and discover who God has created them to be.
2. Be a Student of Your Student
The teenage brain can often feel like a complete mystery. But some exciting research is pinpointing the growth and development of the adolescent brain and helping us get a better understanding of why teenagers can seem at once so mature and capable and conversely so quick to make really poor decisions.
A recent article in Harvard Magazine entitled “A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Teen Brain” by Debra Bradley Ruder (September-October 2008) sheds some light on the development of the adolescent brain:
“Human and animal studies, Jensen and Urion note, have shown that the brain grows and changes continually in young people—and that it is only about 80 percent developed in adolescents. The largest part, the cortex, is divided into lobes that mature from back to front. The last section to connect is the frontal lobe, responsible for cognitive processes such as reasoning, planning, and judgment. Normally this mental merger is not completed until somewhere between ages 25 and 30—much later than these two neurologists were taught in medical school … For his part, Urion believes programs aimed at preventing risky adolescent behaviors would be more effective if they offered practical strategies for making in-the-moment decisions, rather than merely lecturing teens about the behaviors themselves. (‘I have yet to meet a pregnant teenager who didn’t know biologically how this transpired,’ he says.)” (To read the full article, go to http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html.)
While the science behind how the adolescent brain works is groundbreaking, the big takeaway is how we can help our students navigate good decision-making strategies. This starts on the front end. Take the time to talk to your students—to get inside their heads and lives—and understand the pressures, temptations and struggles people their age are dealing with. And then, help them talk and think through some good strategies for dealing with those pressures and temptations.
(Note: Your student may be reluctant to talk about their personal struggles, but more willing to talk about the struggles of those in their peer group or age). Doing this doesn’t mean there won’t still be some major mess-ups or an occasional need to push the reset button, but this is a great place to start.
And when those moments do happen, making us scratch our heads—wondering how they could’ve made such a poor decision, gotten involved in such a bad crowd or simply been so naïve—our reaction matters. In that moment, we have a very important decision to make. And it’s one that can help or hurt our relationship with our student.
While flying off the handle may feel like the natural and appropriate response, when you stop, listen and keep your emotions under control, you create an opportunity for your student to open up to you, not only in the moment, but in the future as well. More than that, your student is watching your body language, and taking note of the tone of your voice, gauging the message you are sending non-verbally as well as verbally. Something as simple as crossing your arms and clenching your jaw as they unload can communicate a message you may not be intending. Your reaction trains them, whether you realize it or not, how to come to you—or not come to you—the next time they mess up. You have the opportunity to create a safe space, giving the relationship breathing room and creating an opportunity for more than a lecture, but for real growth.
3. Action Point/Tip
So, how can you work at helping your student navigate the regret they might feel after they’ve made a poor choice or a bad decision?
First, create a tentative plan on how to react when your student comes to you with some less than favorable news. What do you want to be sure to communicate? What do you want to be sure not to communicate? If you’re married, talk to your spouse and make sure that you are both on the same page about how you will react.
And remember, you don’t only communicate through your words. What other ways can you communicate care and understanding—your tone of voice, your body language, your emotions? At this stage in the game, parenting is less about control and authority and more about coaching and influence. How can your reaction to your teenager in a tense moment be more coaching-oriented than control-oriented?
More than anything, what students need to know and hear—though they may never vocalize it themselves—is that they are loved. No matter what. Chances are, whatever your student has done that they feel regret over, they also feel guilt over, and are fearful of rejection from you because of their actions. Creating a plan on how to communicate your love and acceptance to your student regardless of what they do or don’t do will ultimately set you up for success when they demonstrate some less than desirable behavior.
