MVC Students

We’re Teaching This:

Can God hear me? Does God even exist? Did Jesus actually rise from the dead, really? And what about all the other stuff in the Bible? Did it really happen? How do you know? When it comes to faith, we all have our doubts. Every single one of us. And yet, for many of us, church can feel like the last place we would go to ask questions. Why is that?  For most of us, doubt feels like something we should hide, ignore, or silence. If there’s a volume dial, we should turn it down. But is that always true? Does having faith mean I can’t have doubt or does having doubt cancel out the faith I do have? When we look closer we find that amplifying our doubt, turning up the volume on the right questions, may just be the best thing that ever happened to our faith.

Think About This:

Why do we have belly buttons? Why does the lawn mower make that funny noise? Why do I have to take a bath? Every young kid goes through that stage. The one where it seems there is a question about everything. At the time it made us crazy, but if we’re honest, a lot of us wouldn’t mind going back to those types of questions. At least those had easier answers.

As our kids grow into teens, the questions may be fewer but they become way more complicated. It’s harder for us, but completely normal for them—part of maturing is asking questions and pushing back on what has been taught. Especially in the area of faith, this can be really healthy. But, tough questions about faith can leave parents feeling a lot of pressure to have all the answers right now.

Thankfully, in his article, “I Doubt it”, Reggie Joiner suggests that maybe having all the answers isn’t the best approach. “Relax when your children ask skeptical questions. … If you want your children to own their own faith, then you have to let them face their own doubts.”

In other words, letting our students face their doubt doesn’t mean we ignore their more challenging questions, but instead we hear them, and refuse to panic when we do. This alone can go a long way in teaching teens that having doubt is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes just saying, “I don’t know” or “let’s find out together” can be the best response to a tough question.

Reggie goes on to remind parents that doubt is part of a long journey.

You may have a primary role in shaping your kid’s faith, but you will never be able to control what they believe or don’t believe. If you could simply talk your kids into believing what you believe, then chances are someone else will talk them out of it one day. The spiritual growth of your children will take a number of twists and turns during their life. Most of us tend to forget the complicated spiritual journey that has shaped our faith. We expect our kids to skip that somehow. (from http://www.orangeparents.org/i-doubt-it/)

Try This

Most students don’t need a parent who has all the answers, but they do need an example of how to live out your faith even when you still have doubts. They need a model of healthy curiosity—the kind that doesn’t give up just because tough questions arise.

Next time a question or a doubt arises in your mind, try mentioning it to your student. It doesn’t have to be very serious or formal. You can begin this way:

• “You know, I was just thinking. I wonder why God does this… ”
• “I’ve never been able to figure out …”
• “I wish I knew… ”

You don’t have to have an answer prepared. Just being honest about the question may go a long way in helping your teen have faith even when they experience doubt.

1. We’re Teaching this.

Thirty-five hundred years ago Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with a short list of rules that has shaped the values of people and nations for centuries. We know them as the Ten Commandments, but do we really know them? Many people believe that the rules are a condition for a relationship with God, things we must do to get in His good graces. That is the opposite of the truth! The relationship came before the rules. And the commandments were meant to not only reveal God’s heart, but to keep His people free.

2. Think About This

From Losing Your Marbles / Playing for Keeps by Reggie Joiner, Kristen Ivy, Elizabeth Hansen

Most of you aren’t planning to pack up a duffle bag, walk out the door, and never turn around. But there are times, for many of us, when we (unintentionally) disengage emotionally.

There will come a time in every kid’s life when things get messy. Maybe they get sick. Maybe they become sad or hurt emotionally. Maybe they suffer a natural consequence to a decision they made. These aren’t
the kind of circumstances you create, and you certainly can’t change them—even though you might want to. But how you respond in these critical moments will forever impact your relationship. And it will affect the way they respond to and interpret their situations.

It’s interesting when you read the Bible and watch how God interacted with the Israelites in the Old Testament. He showed up. He gave them rules. And then they broke the rules, over and over and over again.
Maybe rules were made knowing they would be broken.
It’s not that rules weren’t made to be followed. I’m sure if we all followed every rule, there would be less anger, pain, and violence. When a rule is broken, it creates a unique opportunity to prove love.

In other words, you have an opportunity as a parent or as a leader
to show up in the life of a kid or teenager to give them rules that will help keep them safe physically and emotionally. But when they break a rule (and at some point they will), and you show up anyway, you communicate unconditional love.

That’s what God did. He gave the rules.
We broke them.
He showed up anyway.
It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences. It doesn’t mean that there’s no place for correction or instruction. Of course, we want to help kids and teenagers learn from their experiences and make wise choices in the future. But it does mean that you should never punish them relationally. Regardless of what they’ve done, you still have the opportunity to show up to prove…

• You aren’t going anywhere.
• They still matter.
• You will see them through the mess.

3. Try This

Mistakes are both healthy and inevitable. So how do we respond in a way that reinforces boundaries without risking the relationship?

• Decide in advance how you will respond. In tough moments, with emotions running high, it is so tempting to respond with words or actions that you may later regret. Have a family plan for what happens when rules are broken.

• Keep the relationship first. If we model permanent, life-long, nothing-you-can-do-will-keep-me-from-loving-you relationships, they will learn to do the same.
• Stick to the consequences.  Consequences are healthy. One of the best things you can do for your student is plan, implement, and stick with consequences.  When they apologize or we sense remorse, it is so tempting to say, “Oh alright, no consequences this time”, but remember that they are learning a principle that they will apply to more than one situation.
• Communicate the plan. An easy way to confirm that students understand expectations is have them repeat them back to you in the form of an “if/then” statement. For example: “If I get all A’s, then I will be allowed to have a sleepover.” “If I text after 10pm, then I will lose my phone for 1 week.” 

In January we are going through a series called “Move.”  To find out what we are teaching, how you can talk about it with your student, and what you can do to put it in action check out this short post.

1. We’re Teaching this.

Movements are everywhere. “To write love on her arms”, “Tom’s Shoes”, “Livestrong”, “Habitat for Humanity”, and the “End-It Movement”—all of those and hundreds more were created during our lifetime. In fact, one of the traits that this generation is known for is being the most cause-driven, the most movement focused in history. So which movements do we join? How do we start? And how do we move and serve in a way that really matters? Even if we aren’t sure what we think about Jesus, we can learn something from Him about serving the community around us. By His example we learn to MOVE on behalf of others and KEEP MOVING to have a lasting impact.

2. Think About This

Have you ever had a conversation with your teenager that felt like a complete flop? Like your words bounced off a brick wall? You’re probably not alone. Most parents feel incredible pressure to have meaningful conversations with their students, and yet those conversations are met with resistance if not total refusal to engage. This is especially true when it comes to matters of faith—like attending church or serving others. When parents seem willing enough to talk, why is it that teens often feel so resistant to listening?

It may be all in the approach. Many teens feel like every parent-initiated conversation has an agenda. And let’s be honest, they may be right. During the teen years, as parents realize their time with their teen is limited, there is a sense of urgency surrounding all of the life lessons and important conversations that they feel they SHOULD have with their child before college. With the pressure mounting to work in all of these lessons, it is easy for parents to resort to talking at their student instead of talking with them.  While the intentions are good, if the majority of conversations center around a lesson, teens can end up feeling like they don’t measure up. Like their parents care more about “fixing them” or “setting them straight” than they do about connecting with them. Who wants to feel that way all the time?

This sort of dynamic can make conversations about faith even more tricky. It can set up students to feel inadequate and then tune out the parents. And tuned out parents feel equally inadequate and want to stop trying. What a mess!

Helping students live out their faith, helping them develop values and habits they will carry into adulthood is one of the most important parts of a parent’s job. So how do you teach those lessons without running the risk of being shut out? How do you have a conversation without having “a talk”? How do you begin to move forward in your relationship and not backwards?

Maybe the answer is actually to talk less. Remember when they were little and they wanted to play baseball like dad or dress up like mom? Remember how they imitated the way that you talk (maybe a little too much)? While teens don’t make it as obvious, they still take cues about what is important by watching their parents. What you prioritize, what you organize your schedule and budget around will communicate loudly what you believe is important-without ever having to tell them.

So maybe instead of talking about the importance of spending money wisely, you invite them to help you figure out the family budget this month. Maybe instead of working “church” into the conversation, you simply trust that your example, that your commitment, is sending the message. Maybe instead of talking about the importance of serving others, it’s just something you do together.

When you lead with your actions, it takes a lot of pressure off the conversation. And the more conversations you have, without a lesson attached, the more your teen will trust that you like them, as a person. The more they will believe that you think they’re a good person. It might even open the door to more meaningful conversation—because now you’re talking with them and not at them.

3. Try This

Developing a habit of serving, or moving on behalf of others as a family, can seem daunting when family schedules and budgets are already stretched to the max. But serving doesn’t mean that you have to volunteer at a soup kitchen every week or build a well in Africa on your own. Simply meeting one person’s need is a big step and will go a long way in helping your teenager develop an awareness for the needs around him or her.

Choose one elderly neighbor or single mom in your community and invite your student to help you decide on ONE THING you can do for that person. Something as simple as making them dinner and bringing it over could make their day. And every member of the family can be involved. Invite your student to help you decide on the menu, buy the groceries, prepare and deliver the meal.

Serving somewhere every week or every month may not be a possibility for your family, but simply developing an awareness of the needs around you and moving on behalf of one person can help students develop the habit of caring for the world around them.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

1. We’re Teaching this.

We’ve all seen the nativity with perfectly positioned characters, well-behaved animals, and a holy glow surrounding it all. We see everyone in the scene as if they are one big happy family celebrating the first, and probably the only, perfect Christmas. Contrast this perfect picture with our own lives, our own families and holiday drama, and we may feel the Christmas story looks nothing like our own. But what if you able to pull back the curtain and see past the picture-perfect silent night? When we look closely, we find that the REAL Christmas story, the uncut, behind-the-scenes version looks more like our own than we would have ever imagined. And the same God who scripted these imperfect characters into His story is calling to join him there as well.

2. Think About This

On some level, Christmas brings out the inner child in everyone. Who doesn’t love twinkling lights, hot chocolate, and singing at a stranger’s door? Somewhere between the smell of baked cookies and the promise of a wrapped present, the familiar wonder of childhood Christmas returns. Of course, when we were children and everything seemed perfect, we were oblivious to the stress of our parents. We had no idea that the perfect tradition was grandma’s demand and not mom’s idea. No one told us that the budgeting caused tension or that “Santa” was up until 4am putting together that bike. All we remember is the warm memories and the feeling of perfection. And that’s what we try to pass on to our families.

While childhood wonder is a beautiful thing, trying to recreate every memory can be enough to drive any parent crazy. Add that pressure to the endless images of the happy, well-behaved families who portray what Christmas should be on TV. The result is moms, dads, and stepparents scrambling to add one more present, one more party, one more tradition, in hopes that their kids don’t get cheated out of the holiday experience. Somewhere in all of the going, doing and buying, our hopes for perfection can dissolve into a stressful frenzy to just get through it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if Christmas actually brought peace? To our families? To our schedules? What would it mean for your family to feel more unified and energized at the end of the holidays? Here are two ideas to consider:

Consider Letting Go of Something. Have you ever seen the child at the mall who clings to a toy? The one who swears to his mom that Christmas will be RUINED without it? In some ways, many adults act like that child, adding stress to their families by clinging to their own traditions (trust me, I’ve been there). They demand that the tradition continues. It’s no wonder the apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:13, When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. Traditions are great. But if you find yourself clinging to them like a child, it may be time to put them behind you.

Take a Closer Look at the Nativity. The hiccups and imperfections of our holidays are not that different from the first Christmas. The Christmas narrative is a story of surprises and unexpected complications. An inexplicably pregnant teenager. A government requirement for taxes and travel. A pack of unkempt shepherds. They all leave the reader wondering how the angels could have possibly announced “Peace on Earth” as the headline for it all. Yet this is the Christmas we sing songs about. This is the Christmas we retell and reenact. Remembering the original Christmas is a great way to remind ourselves that the holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

Peace takes more planning than conflict. Rest takes more intentionality than frenzied rush. But those are the real memory makers. Those are the things that our children will pass on to our grandchildren. This season, would you commit to planning peace as a part of your family holiday experience?

3. Try This

It’s easy to get so overwhelmed by holiday plans that we lose the peace that Christmas was meant to bring To get everyone back to the same page, try reading the following devotion and discussing the questions as a family.

1. We’re Teaching this.

Branding- it’s everywhere. You can’t turn on the TV or drive down the street without seeing hundreds of ads and billboards. Companies spend millions of dollars trying to shape how YOU see THEM, developing their brand. But what about the Church? What are WE known for? Philippians chapter 2, has a lot to say about the way we love others. As we unpack this chapter, we discover that our love for people, both inside and outside the church, ultimately determines what we are known for—our brand.

2. Think About This

From Losing Your Marbles / Playing for Keeps by Reggie Joiner, Kristen Ivy, Elizabeth Hansen

I remember a few years ago when I was leading a small group and one of the girls had stopped attending. I knew she was making some unwise choices related to drinking, and she was choosing not to come to church anymore because she didn’t want to feel judged. But here’s the interesting thing: she still liked hanging out. We would meet from time to time, at Starbucks, at a school event,—anywhere that she knew we would have fun. And
in those moments, I didn’t talk about her decisions. She knew what I thought. But I knew at that juncture in her life, it was more important to have fun and stay connected than to continue reminding her of something she already knew.

Hint: most kids and teenagers shut down when you take the eye-to-eye, “let’s talk about what’s going on” approach, they tend to talk when they’re engaged in a fun activity, not making eye contact, and feel in control of the agenda.

If you’re a parent, you may need to set aside time with your kids when you agree not to discuss their issues. This can be especially true if they are in a tough season of life. When the tension is high, you need a scheduled break—just to have fun together.

It’s not that fun is the most important thing. If you give teenagers words and stories that are boring, they may not care. If you belong to a tribe that never laughs, they won’t want to be a part of it.

So whatever you do this week,

make it fun.

3. Try This

When is the last time your family had fun without an agenda? No strings attached, fun? No lesson involved, fun? No obligations to the baseball team, work picnic, church activity or school involved, fun?

Maybe it’s time for that.

Ask your student for ideas on something that they think would be really fun to do as a family. Students tend to engage more when they have some input into which activity is chosen. Say something like this, “I think it’s time we do something fun as a family. How would you feel about planning it?” Some students really like to go to the mall. Others hate it. Some would love to play mini-golf with their family. Others would cringe at the idea. Allowing them to plan the event, offering some ownership, can help students have a positive attitude and prevent the dreaded eye-roll.

As parents, sometimes the idea of a family event can be intimidating. “What if my teenager doesn’t want to be seen in public with me?”  That’s the great thing about letting THEM choose. They may choose a big night out but or they may ask for a simple movie night in the house. Choose to have fun together no matter what you do!  Simply spending time together as a family without fighting can go a long way in easing the tension between parents and teens.

Make a commitment on your part to do the activity—no agenda, no complaining, and no lecturing. So give them a budget limit, if appropriate, and let them be as creative or as simple as they want

Just have fun together. Remember, the goal is to let students know you not only love them, but you like them and what better way to communicate that than by hanging out with them and having fun?

1. We’re Teaching This

If you set your course in the wrong direction, you’ll end up in the wrong place every time. No matter where you hope to end up, the road you choose matters. The book of Proverbs gives us wisdom to help navigate the choices of life, because we know that each choice determines the direction of our lives. And it’s our direction, not our intention that ultimately determines our destination. Where are you heading? What path are you on?

2. Think About This

It’s easy—in the midst of the busy-ness and craziness of life—to get off course. It’s easy to forget goals we’ve set and ideas we once had of who we want to be and just keep trucking along, ticking things off our lists and getting the next “thing” done. It’s the tyranny of the urgent and it often keeps us stuck in the immediacy of the moment.

This can be true for our families as well, can’t it? We start off with young children, thinking about all of the goals we have—the values and virtues we want to instill and model for our children. And then, life happens and things just start going too fast. And suddenly, we see road signs—we see warnings—telling us that maybe, somewhere along the line, we’ve gotten off course. It’s the moment we realize that though we intended to head in one direction, our choices of what to do with our time, money, words and actions take us in a different direction.

It’s totally normal. It’s a place most people with children—of any age—often find themselves. And it’s a place we don’t have to stay in.

To remedy it, it may be that the best thing to do is to take a step back and look around. Look back at the things we had once hoped for our families. And then, look forward towards the steps we can take to get to where we ultimately want to go. Make a plan. Take a moment to pause and refocus—to do a little course-correction. A small pause and a little action can go a long way.

3. Try This

Pick Two: Two Words, Two Rules, Two Answers

Get your family together to try the following:

Two Words

Together, pick two words/phrases that you would like to describe your family. Feel free to come up with some of your own as well:

• fun
• connected
• generous
• healthy
• less busy
• good communicators
• patient
• open to other people/families
• servants
• good stewards

Two Rules

There are two rules for when your family does this.

1. Don’t call anyone out. This is not a chance to dish, bash or point figures. It’s a chance to move forward.
2. There are no perfect answers. Just start brainstorming and go from there!

Two Answers

What is the first step you need to take to make each of the words/phrases you chose above a reality for your family?

What kind of mile markers and guardrails/boundaries can you set up as a family to make sure you stay on course for the long haul?